Now, EL VIEJO! What a character! A break, finally!
We met when I moved in with my first wife. I remember he loved being at home, cooking, and entertaining people. It was his forte; he was the son of two Spaniard immigrants who had moved to my country decades ago, fleeing the Spanish Civil War. He was the only child, and because of the situation back in his hometown, he had to learn to work from a very young age. I recall him saying he arrived at his new home at the age of eight and had to make a great effort to study and help his parents in the family business, a small restaurant. He was a chemist, and he worked his ass off; he would wake up around 4 am every day, leave at five, go to the office, and head home after having a couple of beers after work in a small, wrecked bar next to the office where he would meet his friends. When I first met him, my first feeling was, I don´t know about you, but whenever I meet people, I get different reactions and feelings. So, my first feeling, impression if you will, was one of peace; he would transmit peace, and since then, I fell in love with him; he was peaceful, of course, mom would never agree; him being Spaniard was loud, but what I felt around him was that… peace!
We hit it off from the beginning; we would talk for hours and eat and drink together during the weekends. I would ask everything. I wanted to know about his life and would never refuse to respond; what I loved about him. We started a genuinely nice relationship; even my mom used to say that we (my brother and I) had a better relationship with El Viejo than we had with her, hahahahaha! She would even say that we cared much more for him! Just as I say that she cares more for my brother! Ironic, ah?
I am sure that El Viejo helped my brother and I smooth things out with my mom; he did the best he could for us to patch up things with her, and he made it; we managed to re-start a steady relationship with mom after years of darkness, he became that catalyzer needed to join us in harmony, It wasn´t easy, too much had taken place, too much had happened, too many emotions had invaded our hearts, but he was there, he was an outsider, a spectator with a mission, to bring together a broken family. That’s how I see it; I am not speaking for him, but this, in my opinion, was his ultimate legacy, and here’s why I think the way I do. He had a failed marriage and two useless sons (Viejo, I am sorry), and my closest guess is that he found in us that which he had lost; he cared so much for us, Mom, my brother, and me. He would deal with my brother’s madness in a way only a loving father would, he put up with his unexpected visits, calls, rage; meaning my brother would show up drunk or high in their house and he would just help him, of course he’d get mad, but that´s it! He would offer advice whenever he felt we were straying away. He had THE HEART. He was always honest and straightforward, with no BS in between.
I can’t remember a single bad moment or thing that came from him. Of course, he wasn´t perfect—ask my mom. But he was always kind to us, loving and thoughtful, and he always meant well. He was the opposite of my dad. He loved my mother despite her struggles, helped her navigate to a new life, overcome her past, and turned her into a valuable woman again, all of it with pure love, honesty, work, and perseverance.
EL Viejo and mom decided to move to Spain; it was a downer for me, and it wasn´t easy on them either; they had to start again over as middle-aged people; quite a challenge, but they managed, but for him, it was more difficult, he never found a job, and I guess that made him feel useless and powerless, of course, all that took a toll on him, he wasn´t so joyful. He started to feel bitter, so their relationship began to suffer. In addition to that, his mom was a very problematic old woman; she wasn’t really well in the head, she used to fight my mom over her son’s love, she would do the craziest things to get my mom in trouble; things like pretend to be sick and call an ambulance blaming my mother, making El Viejo dead from worry for her health. She would argue with my mother over food, money, etc.; she would find a way to make them feel guilty and make their lives miserable. She would gossip with neighbors and even the town priest over my mother being a hooker or a bad person who did bad things to her. So, eight years went by, living that hell until one day, she just passed away, and my mom and El Viejo did find peace again.
It was then that my current wife and I could finally make it to Spain; it had been eight years since we last met; we arranged to visit them and spend family time again. It was a beautiful moment; we had so much fun together, enjoyed ourselves so much, visited different places, and went to different restaurants. Even my brother joined us at that moment; he had already moved to Spain as well. So, we were a family again, and at the best time of year, Christmas. El Viejo, my brother, and I would have our little escapades, and the three of us would go to a bar nearby to have pinchos and drinks for a ridiculous amount of money; it was very cheap! We would talk, laugh, and have so much fun. We had the opportunity to cook together, laugh, love, and spend time together as a family a few times; my wife and I could travel a few more times to visit them. There was a family, something we all missed, something we had lost for so long, something we all cherish dearly. We had no reservations, and he was the maker, the builder, the catalyzer; because of El Viejo, we got to enjoy as adults the feeling of having a family.
El Viejo gave me two very clear, important teachings that have helped my transformation journey. The first one, he taught me to love my family despite the ugliness and the fog that clouded my vision towards them; he helped me learn the value of acceptance, something critical if you want to move on, you can accept, not change what people do or don’t do, it’s to say, it isn’t up to you to change anyone, or take responsibility for other people’s doings, you can only be in charge of you own doings and their consequences. It’s on you to accept that and move on. Secondly, unconditional father love; remember I said he had two useless sons? It is true, these two guys cared nothing for him, they had their own agenda, and towards his death, they showed nothing less; I don’t want to spoil this part by bringing shit to it; El Viejo doesn´t deserve it! So, through unconditional father love, he showed me that regardless of our children´s mistakes, our role is to love them even if that love is a hard teaching tool; he showed me that a true father must have the strength to balance love, honesty, discipline without losing sight of our role.
I must confess that when he passed away, a whole was reopened in my heart. His absence has been hard to overcome. I truly miss him, for he became a good thing, a happy thing, someone who brought joy and laughter, someone I felt confident with, someone I trusted without reservations, someone I felt good about and around. In the end, I could say goodbye to him before he left, but of course, it wasn´t enough or fair! I miss you with all my heart, Viejo!
Despite what it may seem, I love my family; they have given me so much, I miss my dad, who died and I didn´t have the chance to say goodbye to; I love my brother dearly, I admire him, I love my mom with all my heart and mi Viejo who I miss so much! They gave me pieces of my life puzzle that, in return, have helped me become who I am today. Each one has blessed me with teachings such as love, courage, strength, growth, and forgiveness, each in their own unique, crazy way. They all have taught me to be a better man, father, and better human being, and for that, I am truly grateful.
